Monday, December 14, 2009

What do you want to do?

It's such a loaded question. What do you want to do? I've always wanted to write fiction, but that's not exactly an easy task. First you have to finish a book, then you have to get it published.

I've finished a novel (when I was twelve) but I figure I should be able to read through it without blushing with embarresment at young me's attempts at writing. I've started lot's of books, but I "never have time" to do much beyond that.

Why not? I'm home all day? Why don't I write? I've come to a conclusion. I am lazy. I do nothing but sit on the couch all day unless something else has to be done.

One week after having my baby I was at my prepregnancy weight... now I've gained 8 pounds back. I'm the only person I know of who gained weight while breast feeding. (It doesn't help that breastfeeding makes me hungry all the time!)

My art education degree is going no where. The art classes are never in the afternoon, and I've always worked days, while my husband was in school, and now I'm home with the baby while my husbands in school, so I take filler classes instead. What a waste of tuition!

I thought I could be a good housewife, but that laziness thing. I'm not very good at cleaning... I can surface clean like a pro, but deep cleaning? I miss having a maid come once a week like when I was younger at my mom's house. I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to deep clean. It's sad when you're googling "how to clean a bathroom" but seriously? There has to be more to it then spraying everything with bleach and wiping it down. I mean the bathroom never looks clean anyway.

I never cook anymore. I used to at least make dinner every night, but that stopped when the baby came. Food is expensive! It's just easier to make peanut butter and jelly, and pasta, and cheap foods. Honestly, I could care less what I eat, as long as I'm getting everything I need for the baby, which I am, but my husbands getting a little sick of freezer dinners. (Why are they cheaper?)

So I'm not writing, I'm not doing much in school, and as a housewife I suck.

How am I doing as a mother? That's what should matter. Well last night I got frustrated and yelled at my baby because she wouldn't stop crying. I didn't yell words or anything, just a frustrated yell, similar sounding to hers. She didn't even notice. She was hungry, and I guess I was out of milk or something because she wouldn't take either breast, which is extremely frustrating, so I yelled "arg" and got up to make a bottle.

That's not the worst of it....

I put her down on the couch to go get her bottle, and not gently. Not roughly, I didn't throw her down or anything, but instead of being placed gently on the pillow she was set down forcefully, and rolled off the pillow, hitting the couch arm, and rolling back onto the pillow. The couch arm was cushioned, and I picked her up right away, frustration forgotten in worry, but she didn't seem to have even noticed.

I know she rolls over, or bumps her head into us sometimes with much more force than that little roll off the pillow, but I felt terrible. How dare I yell at a baby? How could I get frustrated enough to do something as dangerous as try to set her down on the couch even for a second? And how could I do it with enough force to make her roll? I mean I practically dropped her that inch instead of cradling her! Thank goodness she wasn't hurt.

She wouldn't take the bottle either (she's decided she doesn't like formula), so we just had to cry for a bit until I came through with more milk.

I have all these excuses. I'm tired, I don't have time, it's not convienient, but it boils down to the fact that I'm lazy. Today I felt sorry for myself, and watched a movie (Julie and Julia btw, great movie) tommorow I'm going to get into gear and start taking care of myself, my family, and my home better. It will be particularaly challenging, because my husband will be home for vacation, and I am not good at doing anything while he is home. I sit there, with him, and we do nothing except relax. He's earned it, he hasn't slept all week and has practically been living at the college of pharmacy for finals. I on the other hand have nothing to relax from.

I also need to think very carefully about this blog. It is a mommy blog, but I have nothing new to offer, just observations of a brand new, selfish and lazy mom who yelled at a baby for crying (Why did I DO that? She rarely cries, just some nights when she gets extra hungry) Of course I'll continue writing about that stuff, hopefully no more yelling, but I will continue to update on Bella, because I can't help but write about her, but I should have something more to offer. Something unique to me. My day to day life isn't all that interesting. After all, I sit on a couch and watch tv, and feed my baby every two hours. I work, but that takes up very very little time, and is extremely uninteresting. For now, I'm just going to continue writing about Bella, and my day to day life, but at some point I'm hoping to shift to some other theme which will include Bella and I, but have some sort of niche I fill. Like the cooking with Julie and Julia (perhaps I could go through cooking for dummies?).

Wednesday I will offer a complete list of my goals, and I am not going to let myself procrastinate any longer.

The picture above is my mom with Bella. I hope to look as good as she does one day :)

3 comments:

  1. I'm no expert but you sound like you're going thru' post-natal depression. I felt exactly like you did when I had my first baby. Hubby worked lated hours and I was dying - being stuck with a screaming baby all day. But things got better when I had help from my neighbours.

    ((hugs))

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  2. I was actually going to say exactly what Veronica Lee said about the depression. I think sometimes as mothers we are too hard on ourselves. Being a Mother is the hardest job there is. I found that on days that I would get up, get a shower and actually do my hair and makeup I felt so much better than the days that I would sulk around and do nothing to myself. Be sure to take care of you. I think after we have children we often tend to put our needs last.

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  3. Thanks guys, I completely agree. My doctor said all mothers are affected by ppd to some extent, and that my hormones are still settling down plus I'm breastfeeding so there's a little extra crazy there.
    I've given it some thought and wrote an entry about some changes I need to make so that I don't get so frustrated anymore but I don't need to beat myself up about it. So what if I yelled? I wasn't yelling at the baby, I wasn't even angry at the baby, if yelling removes tension in any way I need to put the baby down, walk into another room and yell.
    As for setting the baby down, I need to put her in her swing, not on he couch because she could roll off, and I need to set her down gently.
    Actually Bella has learned a new trick since that night. Rolling. She could roll before but she never realized how much fun it is, now everytime I set her down in a reclining position she rolls back and forth a few times with a big smile on her face. Maybe she rolled herself that night, either way, extr caution on the changing table now.

    Thanks so much for your support guys, I was half afraid to check the comments on this post today but no one yelled at me for being a bad mom or misunderstood my post and cried abuse or anything. I really appreciate that!

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