Progress?

Wednesday was sort of a rotten day, my husband and I went out to eat, and Bella decided to be fussy for the first time while we were out. I took her in the bathroom to feed her :S, and my food was cold by the end of that unpleasent experience. What a waste of money, we should have just ordered in, or gotten fast food. Then we went grocery shopping, came home, tended to the baby, and went to sleep.

My husband woke me up the next morning angry that I hadn't answered my phone because the apartment manager wanted to inspect our apartment for mold. I had a bit of a breakdown, and yelled at him about the dangers of waking up a nursing mother who got roughly five hours of sleep intermitently throughout the night not only to talk to her about the yucky apartment she already hates, but with anything other than a very pleasant voice and some form of a gift.

Seriously, make me breakfast, apologize profusely for waking me while thanking me for being such a great wife and mother, and slowly broach the potential deadly mold topic (all clear btw) with even more apologies about how we live here now instead of in our nice apartment in Atlanta so you don't have to commute anymore. Or better yet, pick up the damn phone yourself and make the arrangements.

I have to give the man credit. It only took a moment of me yelling near tears about how I was woken up every hour last night, and having just gotten back to sleep half an hour ago, and a lot of incoherent nonsense about apartment people calling after noon before he realized I either A. had a point, or B. he'd better pretend I had a point if he valued his life.

Then I enjoyed a day off of sorts. I watched chickflicks, and played with the baby while my husband cooked and cleaned. Then I got to work on my resolutions. I played with Bella most of the last two days. She's getting to the point where she tries to make conversation. It's not really baby talk yet, more like "aahs" of different lengths, but she smiles, and sticks her tongue out, and tries to pull off my glasses. It's adorable.

I also found a way to help her enjoy tummy time while curing diaper rash. Naked Tummy Time. She loves it. Everytime I change her diaper, I put her down on her tummy time mat before I put her new one on. She scoots along the mat, and then holds her head up looking into the mirror, and promptly rolls over and coos at the mirror as she kicks her little feet in the air.

She has no interest in toys still, but that's just fine. She's outgrown newborn clothing, which makes me a little sad, but I packed away a few sentimental outfits and put all the gender neutral clothing in a bag for my friends expecting a boy, and the girl clothes in a bag for my friends expecting a baby girl.

I fixed my husbands DVD player. It's one of those ginormous 400 disk changers, but it lost its memory of the dvd names on the move, so I sorted those while listening to my husband talk about drugs.

Did you know that antihistemines are related to allergy medications? It has something to do with beta blockers and h1 and 2 inhibitors, and there were words about the fight or flight reflex. I could be getting it all garbled, but the important thing is I did listen :)

Didn't do anything on the diet front yet. I'm keeping track of calories and logging what I eat so I'll know what a realistic goal is and what to cut. I'm drinking a lot of milk, 2% which still has lots of calories, but thats not something I want to cut back on while I'm still feeding the baby. I may be able to lose more weight by switching to say diet soda for all of my meals, instead of a cup a day, but the milk is better for me... so I'm going to have to figure out another place to cut. I'm thinking my first dieting step may be to reintroduce myself to water. *Hangs head* I hate water, but juice and milk and soda aren't as good for me... I got used to it while pregnant, I can do it again.

I've been trying to do a yoga routine every morning or night depending, just to try to get a little exercise it, but so far it's not turning out so well. I'll get started, and then Bella will cry. When it gets warmer I can go on walks with her, and incorporate her into my exercise program, but for now, I'm at least trying, and I get my baby lifts in :), so my arms should get stronger at least.

Appearence wise at the moment I'm making a point to shower and dress everyday. Not doing much with my hair other than pulling it back in a baby friendly braid, and not so much with the makeup. I'm working on it though. I will try to discover new baby friendly hair styles, and at least wear lipgloss or something.

I remember why I stopped cooking. I would cook, and sit down to eat, and then Bella would smell the food and get hungry (nevermind that I just fed her) so I would take care of her while my husband ate and then I would get a turn. So I'm not worrying about cooking until she gets the same meals. I make a crockpot meal everynow and then, maybe I should get more crockpot recipies and caserole recipies. Those can bake or sit for awhile. As for cleaning the house, dumping bleach on everything makes it sanitary, but I have googled additional cleaning techniques and will be trying those out one room at a time in the coming weeks. Coming next Week... how to clean a bathroom...

As for education I have submitted three applications for different graduate programs. A masters of creative writing program with an optional Phd program attatched once you finish the masters , an English education masters, and a computer programming masters.

The creative writing program is super competitive. I need to write a 15 page literary criticism, and submit 25 pages of creative work, and write a letter of intnent, with three letters of recomendation, have a 3.6 gpa, and a 1200 on my gre score with a 90th percentile in verbal. I am working on a paper about Peter Pan (more on that later) proofing my old creative stuff, and I have written a letter of intent. I made a 910 on my gre, and have a 3.4 gpa... so its sort of a long shot anyhow, but hey, may as well try.

The English Education program is promising, but I'd have to student teach in my second year, and I don't have anyone to watch Bella, plus I don't want to teach High School, so it's sort of a back up. But it's pretty competitive as well, though it only requires a 900 on the gre, and a 3.0, and a letter of intent with three letters of recomendation, so I may get in.

The computer programming is my safe bet. I don't have an undergrad in it, but the guy I spoke to said half the students don't, it just means an extra semester of computer classes to master some basics. It's all online, which is awesome, and would lend itself well to my future at home work, and leads right into goal nine, finding better work. I only need a 2.6 gpa, and a 900 on the gre.

I haven't decided what activity to pursue for my me time (must get to a point where I can exercise everyday first) but I'll keep you posted.

So I'm making progress. I'm proud of myself, and I'm excited about these new developments in Bella. I'm worried that she doesn't care about toys though, how old were your kids when they noticed toys?

Picture of the day, Bella's newborn photo, see how far she's come?

Resolutions

So it's not New Years yet, but I do have some resolutions related to my last post.

1) Bella- Bella is the most important person to me in the entire world. I will stop living for nap time. When she is awake, I will spend time with her, talking to her, reading to her, putting her down for tummy time and play time and I will not get frustrated when she cries

2) My husband- Equally important, just more independant. I will be less selfish, ask about his day, listen when he talks in great detail about chemistry things I don't understand, because he listens to me ramble on about everything I'm interested in. We will spend time together not zoned out in front of a television snacking on junk food.

4) my diet- I will cut out junk food, and watch what I'm eating. My diet still affects my baby, and I need to lose weight
5) exercising- I should do some of that... daily

6) My appearence- I need to rediscover make up, and clothes that are not pajamas. I may have a newborn, but that's no reason to let myself go. She's not colicky, and I am of the lucky few who has a baby that sleeps long hours. I should take advantage of that

7) Housewifing- ok, so I hate my apartment, and my kitchen, and even when I clean it looks cramped and ugly. I should have a little pride in my home, and for sanitary reasons should most likely bleach everything down at least once a day, because every surface here looks gross.... I should also cook more. I weighed less when I cooked more

8) Education- I'm done with useless classes. I have to stay in school until my husband finishes. (we cant afford loan payments yet, and I'd be lying if I said the financial aid money didn't make life a lot easier) I've applied for three different masters programs. I will either get a creative writing masters degree, with an option for a phd, an English masters of teaching degree, or a computer programming degree. I'll see which one accepts me, and figure out which one to pursue from there. If I'm in school for two more years, then the classes should be counting towards something.

9) Work- I don't like what I do now, and I barely make anything. I'm not quiting, but I hope to find something I can do at home that is more fulfilling, (like getting published maybe?) and if not, at least try to earn more so we can move to a less crappy apartment

10) Personal betterment- I will work on something constructive every day. Whether it is a few more pages of my stories, a painting, or reading a book, I will do something that is constructive and personal to me so I don't lose myself mommying.

Ok... time to get to work

What do you want to do?

It's such a loaded question. What do you want to do? I've always wanted to write fiction, but that's not exactly an easy task. First you have to finish a book, then you have to get it published.

I've finished a novel (when I was twelve) but I figure I should be able to read through it without blushing with embarresment at young me's attempts at writing. I've started lot's of books, but I "never have time" to do much beyond that.

Why not? I'm home all day? Why don't I write? I've come to a conclusion. I am lazy. I do nothing but sit on the couch all day unless something else has to be done.

One week after having my baby I was at my prepregnancy weight... now I've gained 8 pounds back. I'm the only person I know of who gained weight while breast feeding. (It doesn't help that breastfeeding makes me hungry all the time!)

My art education degree is going no where. The art classes are never in the afternoon, and I've always worked days, while my husband was in school, and now I'm home with the baby while my husbands in school, so I take filler classes instead. What a waste of tuition!

I thought I could be a good housewife, but that laziness thing. I'm not very good at cleaning... I can surface clean like a pro, but deep cleaning? I miss having a maid come once a week like when I was younger at my mom's house. I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to deep clean. It's sad when you're googling "how to clean a bathroom" but seriously? There has to be more to it then spraying everything with bleach and wiping it down. I mean the bathroom never looks clean anyway.

I never cook anymore. I used to at least make dinner every night, but that stopped when the baby came. Food is expensive! It's just easier to make peanut butter and jelly, and pasta, and cheap foods. Honestly, I could care less what I eat, as long as I'm getting everything I need for the baby, which I am, but my husbands getting a little sick of freezer dinners. (Why are they cheaper?)

So I'm not writing, I'm not doing much in school, and as a housewife I suck.

How am I doing as a mother? That's what should matter. Well last night I got frustrated and yelled at my baby because she wouldn't stop crying. I didn't yell words or anything, just a frustrated yell, similar sounding to hers. She didn't even notice. She was hungry, and I guess I was out of milk or something because she wouldn't take either breast, which is extremely frustrating, so I yelled "arg" and got up to make a bottle.

That's not the worst of it....

I put her down on the couch to go get her bottle, and not gently. Not roughly, I didn't throw her down or anything, but instead of being placed gently on the pillow she was set down forcefully, and rolled off the pillow, hitting the couch arm, and rolling back onto the pillow. The couch arm was cushioned, and I picked her up right away, frustration forgotten in worry, but she didn't seem to have even noticed.

I know she rolls over, or bumps her head into us sometimes with much more force than that little roll off the pillow, but I felt terrible. How dare I yell at a baby? How could I get frustrated enough to do something as dangerous as try to set her down on the couch even for a second? And how could I do it with enough force to make her roll? I mean I practically dropped her that inch instead of cradling her! Thank goodness she wasn't hurt.

She wouldn't take the bottle either (she's decided she doesn't like formula), so we just had to cry for a bit until I came through with more milk.

I have all these excuses. I'm tired, I don't have time, it's not convienient, but it boils down to the fact that I'm lazy. Today I felt sorry for myself, and watched a movie (Julie and Julia btw, great movie) tommorow I'm going to get into gear and start taking care of myself, my family, and my home better. It will be particularaly challenging, because my husband will be home for vacation, and I am not good at doing anything while he is home. I sit there, with him, and we do nothing except relax. He's earned it, he hasn't slept all week and has practically been living at the college of pharmacy for finals. I on the other hand have nothing to relax from.

I also need to think very carefully about this blog. It is a mommy blog, but I have nothing new to offer, just observations of a brand new, selfish and lazy mom who yelled at a baby for crying (Why did I DO that? She rarely cries, just some nights when she gets extra hungry) Of course I'll continue writing about that stuff, hopefully no more yelling, but I will continue to update on Bella, because I can't help but write about her, but I should have something more to offer. Something unique to me. My day to day life isn't all that interesting. After all, I sit on a couch and watch tv, and feed my baby every two hours. I work, but that takes up very very little time, and is extremely uninteresting. For now, I'm just going to continue writing about Bella, and my day to day life, but at some point I'm hoping to shift to some other theme which will include Bella and I, but have some sort of niche I fill. Like the cooking with Julie and Julia (perhaps I could go through cooking for dummies?).

Wednesday I will offer a complete list of my goals, and I am not going to let myself procrastinate any longer.

The picture above is my mom with Bella. I hope to look as good as she does one day :)